Are you guys looking for some new funny jokes in English? If yes, you are in the right place. Laughter is the best medicine for your brain and body. A good joke lightens our burdens, inspires hopes, and connects you to others. Besides, a good joke can enhance the relationship and support both physical and emotional health.
You might have come across some good jokes, but they might be old. Through this post I’m going to line up 30 of the best new funny jokes in English and some of them may make you laugh out loud. You may already know some of these jokes, but I’m sure that you will come across some completely new jokes. Alright without talking much, let’s see the best latest jokes in English.
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Best 30 New Funny Jokes in English
My girlfriend’s birthday is in two days.
And she told me “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring”.
So I bought her nothing!
An airplane was about to crash.
There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you.
America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”
Difference between a beautiful night and a horror night.
Beautiful night is,
When you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is,
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.
What is love?
Love is our 7th sense that destroys all 6 senses
And makes the person nonsense.
Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.
Those who are single, Let’s sing this song together:
Single all the way
Oh what fun it is to watch
those couples fight all day. Yay…
Today I saw two blind people fighting,
then I shouted “I’m supporting the one with the knife”,
they both ran away.
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
I was in 10th; she was in 10th.
I was in 12th; she was in 12th.
I got BSc; she got BSc
I was doing MSc; she got married.
I was preparing for JRF; she’s the mother of 1 child.
I got a PhD; she’s the mother of 2 children.
I am doing PhD; her daughter is in 1st standard
I became doctorate; her daughter is in 10th
I have joined a job; her daughter has joined college
And the greatest Irony!
Today is my engagement
And her daughter is my fiancée.
A guy in a plane stood up & shouted: “HIJACK!”
All passengers got scared
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back “HI JOHN”.
I am so happy and proud of myself and I thought I should share with you!!!
Today I saw myself on TV when I turned it off.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
She thinks that I am childish.
So I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to the hospital.
I went to see him the next day.
He just kept whispering “yang qi guan” over and over and then died.
I was very sad and Googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”.
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Today was my first day entering a court.
The judge shouted “Order, Order!!”
I was so excited,
So I shouted back “fried rice with chicken, five bottles of beer and a chilled glass of special ice mineral water.”
I am now locked up in a dark room.
I am sure they will bring my order soon.
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said,
“I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”
Then I said, “Turn Left”.
I don’t know why it hurts when we bite our tongue mistakenly.
But it didn’t hurt when we bite it intentionally.
And I still don’t understand why you are biting your tongue now.
In every love story, a girl supports her brother,
But a brother never supports his sister.
Because the sister knows what love is and brother knows what boys are.
THE BIGGEST LIE
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” Said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave ten dollars to the teacher.
I visited my EX-girlfriend and she gave me food.
After a few second their dog came in and started to jump over and I said “this dog loves visitors”
A child replied, “No! No! Uncle, the problem is that you are using its plate”.
A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind.
I’ve been his customer for years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
1) I woke up
2) I went to school
3) I saw her
4) I ran to her, and I hugged her
5) I kissed her
Actually, the right order is 3, 4, 5, 1, 2
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,
Because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity.
My dad beat the crap out of me again.
If a paper comes very tough in an exam,
Just close your eyes for a moment,
Take a deep breath and say loudly,
“This is a very interesting subject; I want to study it again”.
My mom told me to
Turn down the volume of music on my computer
She would smash my head on the keyboard.
But I didn’t believejhyteqfgouy i77uufsrhg.
Read all the sentences in order
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is thirty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each sentence.
A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of “Computer Hacking Investigator”
The boss asked him: So, what makes you suitable for this job?
Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.
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I asked why the Wall of China is the wonder of the world!
It’s the only thing made in China that lasted years.
They say milk gives strength.
I drank 4 cups and couldn’t move a wall.
But when I took 4 bottles of beers,
I saw the wall moving itself.
These scientists should better stop their lies.
The legal age for voting is 18 years and the legal age for marriage is 21 years.
Which means you need more experience to handle a girl than a country.
If a barber makes a mistake, it’s a new style
If a politician makes a mistake, it’s a new law
If a scientist makes a mistake, it’s a new invention
If a Taylor makes a mistake, it’s a new style
If a teacher makes a mistake, it’s a new theory
But, if a student makes a mistake, it’s a mistake.
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These are my 30 of the best new funny jokes in English. Alright, now it’s your time. Which joke makes you laugh out loud? Mention that in the comment box below. If you know any other good new funny jokes in English, write that in the comment box. If it’s good, I will add that joke with this post. Also, you can share this post with your friends and family by clicking one of the social share buttons below.